pick your poison
by moon strut
Summary: Suspicious mushrooms are served in soup, Gray's sexual orientation is questioned, Natsu's sole desire is to make out, and all Lucy wants is pepper spray. Dinner with the guild just got a whole lot uglier. —natsu&lucy, pure crack


**notes: **idek what i'm doing anymore.

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**pick your poison**

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It all started when Juvia went grocery shopping.

Because, apparently, that last time she almost single-handedly caused the destruction of Fairy Tail with her seemingly harmless love potion wasn't enough to elicit a thought that, hm, maybe they shouldn't entrust her with the grocery shopping.

But here she was, purchasing ingredients for the guild-wide dinner: things for the soup, things that should _not_ go in the soup, things that reminded her of Gray, etc.

And when she returned with a triumphant smile on her face and a handful of strange looking mushrooms that smelled of death and bad decisions, it would have been a good idea _not_ to serve them to every single member of Fairy Tail.

But nay.

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Halfway through the dinner, it was pretty evident that something tasted just a _tad_ bit off in the soup, and some people were starting to feel weird.

(But that was okay, 'cause Mira's cooking _always_ made you feel weird at first.

Then you would start to go numb.

And then it gets kinda hard to remember anything that happens after that.

But none of that was important.)

And it was precisely in that moment that everything went to shit.

Lucy paused and dropped her spoon into her bowl of soup, feeling like someone had been watching her intently for the past two minutes. Then she looked up slowly and almost shrieked because someone really _was_ staring at her.

"Can I help you, Natsu?" She sighed 'cause, wow, someone obviously lacked table side manners.

He didn't even answer.

Natsu was all bloodshot eyes and flared nostrils (still kinda cute, Lucy noted, but damn it was pretty much negated by the sheer amount of creepy). And there was an oddly hungry gleam in those black, black eyes.

"Natsu..." She started cautiously.

But Lucy is smart. She knew that right when he decided to nonchalantly toss his bowl (soup and mushrooms and all) and subsequently launch himself at her from across the table, that something was very, very wrong.

And so Lucy did what came naturally: she screeched.

However, her screams of bloody murder died fast when Natsu pinned her to the floor with his weight. And then he did the unthinkable and tried to attack her. With his mouth.

She then came to revelation that he was indeed attempting to, dare she say it, _kiss_ her. Against her will. Which kinda counted as rape. Natsu was _raping_ her.

"RAPE! SEXUAL HARASSMENT! WHY IS NO ONE RESCUING ME! I AM A VICTIM!"

And in that precise moment, three thoughts occurred to Lucy:

One, there was definitely something in that soup that should not have been there, and she was willing to bet her pinkies on it.

Two, she was surprisingly adept at dodging Natsu's lips.

Three, that pepper spray she laughed at just last week would have been nice.

And if she could see anything _but_ a savage, carnal Natsu, she would know that no one was in any position to help themselves, let alone help her.

The bowl that Natsu had so carelessly chucked aside had ended up connecting to an unsuspecting Gray's skull, where he then face-planted into his own soup, possibly unconscious. Possibly drowning.

"GRAY-SAMAAA!"

Juvia dove across two entire table lengths towards the love of her life because there he was, practically dying in his dinner. It was _totally_ the killer soup's fault. And Lucy. Because she was the love rival.

And yeah, who cares if it didn't make sense. Because nothing ever made sense with Juvia.

A stronger, muscular hand pulled Gray's head out of the broth just as Juvia was... Crashing and burning at the end of the other table, repeatedly calling 'Gray-sama' and sinking faster than the Titanic.

Gray coughed and pried his eyes open, blinking away his rather pathetic near-death experience, only to come face to face with a very irritated Laxus, hand still attached to his hair.

Correction: A very... Tsundere Laxus.

Gray grabbed the thunder dragonslayer by the shoulders, hot and feverish, and ground out a strained, passionate, "I love you."

Laxus stared.

And blinked.

And then he blushed.

"It—It's not like I did it 'cause I like you or anything..." He uncharacteristically mumbled.

The two proceeded to embrace lovingly in the midst of the chaos.

A distant cry from Juvia was heard. "BUT GRUVIA IS BASICALLY CANON NOW, HOW COULD GRAY-SAMA DO THIS—!"

On the other hand, Mira was the absolute epitome of calm. Or so it seemed. Her usual smiling demeanor would have been convincing had she not been in her Sitri Satan Soul form, stabbing the table over and over with a spoon, and scaring the shit out of a petrified Wendy.

Erza placed her spoon on the table (or what was left of it) and dabbed her mouth neatly with a napkin, dodged a random bowl and another bolt of magic, and then sat back, tapping her chin in thought.

There was something weird about the guys that night.

But what was it...?

She scanned the entire guild; Laxus and Gray had their arms wrapped ever so tightly around one another, with a jealous Mira and half-dead Juvia in tow, Fried was in the middle of shaving his head with his sword and doing a poor job at it, Macao and Wakaba were having a haiku battle, in their underwear, Alzack and Bisca were engaging in some R-rated explicit adult only... vandalism (aka, they drew several lopsided penises on the wall), Gajeel had somehow acquired a tattooing mechanism and attempted to brand Levy's face onto his chest, who of course was _not_ okay with that, Jet and Droy... Where were Jet and Droy?

Oh, right, the two of them were currently the components of her _chair_.

And then there was Natsu. Who was still fiercely determined to suck Lucy's face off.

Erza blinked. Once. Twice.

Meh, she'll blame everything on Natsu. Just because everything usually was his fault.

And just as she was about to exquip into something terribly fearsome and inexplicably grotesque, Cana happened. Meaning, she felt it was appropriate to urinate on top of a weeping Max. And Cana wasn't even affected by whatever the hell was melting the brains of all the men in the guild; she was just drunk. Like always. So Erza put castrating Natsu on hold and stormed off to lecture the hopeless alcoholic.

By this time, Lucy was, in fact, scared for her life.

And then she realized that maybe she kind of wanted Natsu to accidentally land a kiss on her. And maybe this wasn't rape at all.

That or she was finally losing it from the severe lack of oxygen since, you know, Natsu was _still _on top of her. And—

Whoops, there it was. There was finally that skin on skin, accidental lip crashing she was kinda-maybe-not-really waiting for. It was like setting fire to her entire being, and yeah the burning in her lungs could have easily been the (again) lack of oxygen, but _whatever_.

Lucy was really at a loss for what to do, so she just lied there under Natsu's weight, basking in the not-really-kiss. He was technically under the influence, and she was technically raping him. Technically.

Ah, that pepper spray would have been nice right about now.

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After the _explicit_ events that had occurred during dinner, no one even suspected the culprit to be Juvia and her impulsive compulsion to purchase strange concoctions from insidious merchants.

And so, a week later, they sent her out to go grocery shopping, yet again.

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**notes: **what did i just write.


End file.
